The Witty Weekly

Correction: Yesterday's print edition listed the Taco Baraco incident as Category 3. It was Category 4. We regret the error. Taco Baraco regrets the evening.

Which Witty Weekly section do you read first?

BREAKING: O.O.P.S. issues continent-wide advisory following Category 8 emission event near Arkness Falls Reservoir. Residents within 400 miles advised to consult Guideline 22-F immediately.

Our editorial board has reviewed B.U.R.P.'s 7-point digestive severity scale. We have concerns about the gap between Category 5 and Category 6. AeroGuard has not responded to requests for comment.

Human Cones Anonymous reports record membership this quarter. The organization declined to provide exact numbers, citing the etiquette rule about pretending it is not there.

Pinnacle Parenting Group stock hit a quarterly high following the Mossbank University study linking its two flagship products. Analysts describe the vertical integration as "structurally inevitable."

A 20-year Mossbank University study has found a statistically significant link between childhood Child Chucker use and adult Human Cone dependency. Pinnacle Parenting Group makes both products.

BREAKING: Gannett Row FR-1 unit enters Day 7. The structure has expanded to approximately three times its original volume and is now blocking the southbound platform. BICS has declined to classify it.

Taco Baraco's Endless Baraco Night promotion ended early after 23 patrons triggered a Category 4 intestinal event. Special Feces Forces responded within 9 minutes.

Worth reading twice.

Our consumer desk tested the WY-69 and the AG-FR1 side by side. One launches children. The other contains what happens after. Both performed as advertised.

A paramedic sacrificed his personal 65-inch WittyCorp Apex to save a patient in cardiac distress. C.L.O.T. has confirmed the plasma was viable. The TV was not insured.

Judge Mossbank has ordered Norbert Throttleby to pay 14,200 units in damages for keeping the household Eye Bleach 47 feet away in a detached garage.

AeroGuard has unveiled the AG-FR1, a personal inflatable containment room that deploys in 3.9 seconds. CEO Albrecht calls it "the most important product in digestive history."

D.R.I.P. confirms the Pellmoth Heights incident is the fifth double-can Dehydrated Water event this fiscal year. A pre-opened case file was already on file before the incident occurred.

A Pellmoth Heights woman is in stable condition after attempting to reconstitute Dehydrated Water with Dehydrated Water. D.R.I.P. has opened two case files. Full report:

The fourteenth letter this month. Betty Yeti continues to be the only person in Dimension 7 qualified to answer these questions, and she knows it.

This week's Dear Dimensional: a reader whose boyfriend is literally a gas asks Betty Yeti whether opening a window during an argument constitutes a breakup.